Persistent Memory – The life's rollercoaster…

Some days, your head can play tricks with you. Some life events can trigger old memories that you wish or thought you got over and you realize that you never completely let go.

The question is: Can we let go completely of something negative that happened to us in the past?

In my opinion, I don’t think we can. If something has hurt you, there will always be residual effects.

For me, one of them is a job loss I had many years ago. Yes, it’s still haunting me today for some reasons. As a graphic designer, the demand might be there, but there are a lot of people in this profession and there’s a lot of companies that are not willing to pay for what you’re worth, which makes it hard to find work. I find there’s a lot of competition. Some people are better than you and there will always be someone better than you no matter what you do.

It took me over 6 months to find a job at the time. I went through so many emotions and state of minds. From thinking I can do this, to think that I was worthless and a shitty designer. I was starting to give up on ever finding work in my field. I began to think that I would have to find a minimum wage job. My self-esteem and sense of worth took a huge hit. Obviously, I found something at the end, but 6 months is way too long to be home and staying in your negative thoughts. In some ways, it traumatized me a bit.

I don’t want to get into too many details, but here is why I am saying it’s a persistent memory…

Yesterday, my husband announced he will not have a job starting August 10. It brought all those feelings I had when I lost my job, remembering how difficult it was to make ends meet. My husband is not the type of person to stay at home doing nothing and it scares me. I know it’s not me that lost my job, but still, I will be affected by this. I shouldn’t let old feelings and memories haunt me, but it’s bigger than me. It’s like I can’t control those feelings. Everyone reaction is different…

As I mentioned in one of my previous posts, my husband got diagnosed with anxiety, so with this news, it worries me. Right now he’s being strong, but I also know that anxiety attacks can start so quickly that you didn’t see it coming!

I am trying to be strong as well, but also realistic that we will need to make some changes in order to make ends meet.

The insecurity of losing a job… the fear of being unemployed for a long period of time will always be there… many life decisions were made because of that awful event that went through my life…

I know that no one is safe in this world and a lot of us will have to face this at some point in their lives…

It will be a rollercoaster for a little while… We can only take it one day at a time…

Take a deep breath and move forward!


Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

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